Gifts for the woman on the edge of a nervous breakdown...

A close friends know, I barely tolerate Christmas; being forced to pretend I'm having a good time for the entire festive season because 'everybody loves Christmas' is not conducive to me actually having a good time. But this year I thought I'd enter into the spirit of the thing by offering an alternative to the lists of 'must have' pressies in the weekend newspapers. So please see below five inspiring gifts for that special someone (i.e. ME!).

First up is a longstanding favourite which, for some weird reason, Jon won't buy me. Raffaele Iannello's Voodoo Knife Block. In his Voodoo Exhibition in April he had a gizmo set up where you could project your face onto the little figure - but much better to project someone else's face on to it don't ya think? Press the comments button below to email in your suggestions of who I should choose... It comes with a set of five knives and is a bargain at £60.00.

This is much more tame but rather fabby. The Vintage Vacations Christmas bauble is a bit less of a bargain at £12.00, but let's face it it's cheaper, more convenient and less embarrassing than owning a real caravan.

Another longstanding favourite is the Christmas snow storm soap which caused utter bemusement when given to elderly (and not so elderly) members of the Wigan branch of the family a couple of years ago. Apparently, despite the label, they spent the best part of Xmas Day trying to work out what the hell it was and has led to me getting the (rather undeserved, I think) reputation of giving 'odd' presents - which says more about them than it does about me I like to think... These are a snip at £6.99 for three from Lakeland.

As worn by Janet Street-Porter and seen on street market stalls up and down the country - a t-shirt proclaiming "If you think I'm a bitch, you should meet my mother". Of course you just couldn't wear it in public, but it would be there in the wardrobe to be gently stroked when you felt wicked.

On the other hand if someone just wants to buy me a Bentley I've got no objections.

Bev